Advice from me to you
I am by no means an expert at weddings. This was the first one I have planned (and only one... as fun as it was, I am NEVER getting married again! =)... but... I am definitely a pro at learning things the hard way.
I hope that some of the things I have learned a day late and a dollar short, can be of use to you... if for nothing else than a good laugh!
I hope that some of the things I have learned a day late and a dollar short, can be of use to you... if for nothing else than a good laugh!
Planning advice...
1. No one will ever care about your wedding as much as you do. Not your friends, neighbors, coworkers, fellow Knotties, bridesmaids... not even your mother or your husband to be. NO ONE.
It hurts, I know (and you hate me a little for pointing it out)... but it's the truth. Your wedding may consume you at times, but don't try to drown everyone you know in chatter about every minute planning detail, all the time.
Be a friend, a fiancee, a daughter, a coworker.
Have date nights with your man with NO wedding talk.
Put away the DIY projects for a bit and enjoy a night out with the girls.
Stay you.
The reality is that you are a bride for one day- ONE... did you catch that... O-N-E... one. And when that one day is over, life goes on.
If you want your married life to include friends, then make sure your engaged life includes friends.
As for your hunny, he will really appreciate being able to eat dinner or watch a movie without you pestering him about table linens or flowers... trust me... and he will need a break every once in a while if you want him to continue to show interest in the planning process.
Make sure you encourage him to keep up his "guy time" too (this means don't guilt him into spending every Sunday during football season making trips to Michael's, looking at flowers, or reviewing your guest list for the 50th time).
2. Wait wait wait... and choose wisely
Wait until about the 6-8 month mark... or as long as you can before choosing your bridal party. People change... relationships change... the people you called/texted the minute he put that ring on your finger may very well be the people driving you insane weeks or days before your wedding... they may even be people you wish weren't on the guest list at all.
I asked all of my bridesmaids within 48 hours of getting engaged, way before we even set a date... s-t-u-p-i-d.
One of the girls dropped out after ridiculous drama with another BM about 6 months before the wedding. I became very close with another friend and ended up asking her around the same time that the other dropped. I would have asked her regardless, but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt like a "replacement". 2 other BMs created unbelieveable drama on every level even leading up to the day of... to the point where I felt that I would have been much less stressed without them there.
Moral of the story: do yourself a favor and wait it out. Once the excitement of being engaged has died down a bit, take a moment to really envision your wedding and who you couldn't imagine the day without... those are the people who should stand by your side... not necessarily your BFF of the moment.
Side note: You do not get bonus points for having even sides. People matter, numbers do not. You pick your side, he picks his... and he (just like you) should choose those men that he can't imagine his day without (not search around to find one guy for every single one of your BFFs).
FWIW-I had 6, he had 7... we are still happily married and our pictures are not forever ruined.
3. Leave your vendors alone
I know it sounds crazy... but you hired them for a reason. After weeks and weeks of research you chose the perfect photographer, DJ, florist, etc. You had your meetings, you gave them ideas of what you want... now leave them alone.
You selected your vendors because, in your opinion, they are the best of the best. Let them do their thing. You do not have to select every single song in the exact order for the DJ to play. If you want to do that, why hire a DJ at all... make an ipod playlist and save yourself a bunch of money. You do not have to call your florist weekly to make sure she knows you want bright pink roses not fuschia (does it reeeeeaaaaaallly matter anyway.... reeeeaaaallllly??)... most likely you would be the only person in the world that would be able to tell the difference anyway.
You do not need a minute by minute by minute agenda of the entire day (if you attempt this, 1. god help you and 2. it is important to note that peeing in a wedding dress takes much longer than anticipated. allow for extra time).
My point is that you willl have enough to worry about on your own... if you add micromanaging your vendors to the list, you will go crazy!
Chances are pretty good that this is your very first wedding to plan and... umm... their... I dunno... eleventy fifth or sixty seventh. They are the pros... they know what they are doing. Relax.
Trust that you have done a great job researching and finding the perfect one for you... and let it go.
That said, make sure that you have given them guidelines to work within and ideas of the general style, look or feel you are going for. Check in with them a week or two before the wedding to make sure everything is good, timing is clear and payments are in order... then relax, let them handle it and focus on you!
4. Party!
I origionally thought "no big deal" about the bridal shower and bachelorette party. Since most of my friends and relatives are scattered all over the country, I figured they wouldn't be happening, so I just shrugged them off. Local friends offered to throw them... I declined. Finally after weeks of begging and coaxing from my hubby (then, fi), I gave in. I decided to just go with the flow, but still didn't get too amped up about the festivities.
They were a blast!!
My coworkers threw a wonderful shower for me and a few of my local bridesmaids put together the most awesome bachelorette party ever!! I had the time of my life.
You only get married (the first time, at least) once. Revel in it. Seriously. It's ok to let your friends and family make a big deal over you. I am not typically the "center of attention" type... but it really was kind of fun.
So take your moment(s) in the spotlight... and enjoy it.
5. Don't sweat the bachelor party
Remember #4 above. Yeah... he gets his too. Of course we all know that the guys don't want to just sit around, sip wine and talk about the wedding. Maybe it will be golfing, a sporting event, fishing trip or even a strip club.
This is the point when you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up. You have NO say in the matter- what they do, where they do, who is invited, what time their curfew is... zero, zip, zilch. Stay out of it.
Don't be THAT girl.
Seriously. He is marrying YOU. Let him have a crazy night with the guys... as a matter of fact, encourage it. Joke with them when they make stupid comments about a wild night... most of the time they are just doing it to get a rise out of you anyway. Just go with it. If at all possible, try to have your bachelorette party the same night and make it your goal to have an even more wild, crazy, awesome time than the boys. Show 'em how it's done.
Whatever you do... don't be that annoying, nagging, whiney fiancee that can't possibly stand the thought of her man having a good time without being under her watchful eye.
Don't do it.
6. Never forget
What you are doing... and why.
You are not getting wedding-ed. You are getting married.
The wedding is only the very first day of the rest of your life.
When you get stressed out (and you will... believe me)... remember that behind all the fanciness and formalities, there is one simple, beautiful fact-
you are about to pledge the rest of your life to the one you love.
Never forget what really matters.
So... when you have guest list issues, flower mismatches, BM drama, family drama, etc... ask yourself this...
"Is this going to prevent me from saying "I do"?"
If the answer is no, then it is not worth worrying about.
You need a man, a woman, an officiant and a license....
(notice how there is no mention of flowers, fancy dress, huge guest list, harpist, 12 piece band, aisle runner, flower girl... you get the idea).
At the end of the day, you will be husband and wife... and that is what matters.
It hurts, I know (and you hate me a little for pointing it out)... but it's the truth. Your wedding may consume you at times, but don't try to drown everyone you know in chatter about every minute planning detail, all the time.
Be a friend, a fiancee, a daughter, a coworker.
Have date nights with your man with NO wedding talk.
Put away the DIY projects for a bit and enjoy a night out with the girls.
Stay you.
The reality is that you are a bride for one day- ONE... did you catch that... O-N-E... one. And when that one day is over, life goes on.
If you want your married life to include friends, then make sure your engaged life includes friends.
As for your hunny, he will really appreciate being able to eat dinner or watch a movie without you pestering him about table linens or flowers... trust me... and he will need a break every once in a while if you want him to continue to show interest in the planning process.
Make sure you encourage him to keep up his "guy time" too (this means don't guilt him into spending every Sunday during football season making trips to Michael's, looking at flowers, or reviewing your guest list for the 50th time).
2. Wait wait wait... and choose wisely
Wait until about the 6-8 month mark... or as long as you can before choosing your bridal party. People change... relationships change... the people you called/texted the minute he put that ring on your finger may very well be the people driving you insane weeks or days before your wedding... they may even be people you wish weren't on the guest list at all.
I asked all of my bridesmaids within 48 hours of getting engaged, way before we even set a date... s-t-u-p-i-d.
One of the girls dropped out after ridiculous drama with another BM about 6 months before the wedding. I became very close with another friend and ended up asking her around the same time that the other dropped. I would have asked her regardless, but I couldn't help but wonder if she felt like a "replacement". 2 other BMs created unbelieveable drama on every level even leading up to the day of... to the point where I felt that I would have been much less stressed without them there.
Moral of the story: do yourself a favor and wait it out. Once the excitement of being engaged has died down a bit, take a moment to really envision your wedding and who you couldn't imagine the day without... those are the people who should stand by your side... not necessarily your BFF of the moment.
Side note: You do not get bonus points for having even sides. People matter, numbers do not. You pick your side, he picks his... and he (just like you) should choose those men that he can't imagine his day without (not search around to find one guy for every single one of your BFFs).
FWIW-I had 6, he had 7... we are still happily married and our pictures are not forever ruined.
3. Leave your vendors alone
I know it sounds crazy... but you hired them for a reason. After weeks and weeks of research you chose the perfect photographer, DJ, florist, etc. You had your meetings, you gave them ideas of what you want... now leave them alone.
You selected your vendors because, in your opinion, they are the best of the best. Let them do their thing. You do not have to select every single song in the exact order for the DJ to play. If you want to do that, why hire a DJ at all... make an ipod playlist and save yourself a bunch of money. You do not have to call your florist weekly to make sure she knows you want bright pink roses not fuschia (does it reeeeeaaaaaallly matter anyway.... reeeeaaaallllly??)... most likely you would be the only person in the world that would be able to tell the difference anyway.
You do not need a minute by minute by minute agenda of the entire day (if you attempt this, 1. god help you and 2. it is important to note that peeing in a wedding dress takes much longer than anticipated. allow for extra time).
My point is that you willl have enough to worry about on your own... if you add micromanaging your vendors to the list, you will go crazy!
Chances are pretty good that this is your very first wedding to plan and... umm... their... I dunno... eleventy fifth or sixty seventh. They are the pros... they know what they are doing. Relax.
Trust that you have done a great job researching and finding the perfect one for you... and let it go.
That said, make sure that you have given them guidelines to work within and ideas of the general style, look or feel you are going for. Check in with them a week or two before the wedding to make sure everything is good, timing is clear and payments are in order... then relax, let them handle it and focus on you!
4. Party!
I origionally thought "no big deal" about the bridal shower and bachelorette party. Since most of my friends and relatives are scattered all over the country, I figured they wouldn't be happening, so I just shrugged them off. Local friends offered to throw them... I declined. Finally after weeks of begging and coaxing from my hubby (then, fi), I gave in. I decided to just go with the flow, but still didn't get too amped up about the festivities.
They were a blast!!
My coworkers threw a wonderful shower for me and a few of my local bridesmaids put together the most awesome bachelorette party ever!! I had the time of my life.
You only get married (the first time, at least) once. Revel in it. Seriously. It's ok to let your friends and family make a big deal over you. I am not typically the "center of attention" type... but it really was kind of fun.
So take your moment(s) in the spotlight... and enjoy it.
5. Don't sweat the bachelor party
Remember #4 above. Yeah... he gets his too. Of course we all know that the guys don't want to just sit around, sip wine and talk about the wedding. Maybe it will be golfing, a sporting event, fishing trip or even a strip club.
This is the point when you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up. You have NO say in the matter- what they do, where they do, who is invited, what time their curfew is... zero, zip, zilch. Stay out of it.
Don't be THAT girl.
Seriously. He is marrying YOU. Let him have a crazy night with the guys... as a matter of fact, encourage it. Joke with them when they make stupid comments about a wild night... most of the time they are just doing it to get a rise out of you anyway. Just go with it. If at all possible, try to have your bachelorette party the same night and make it your goal to have an even more wild, crazy, awesome time than the boys. Show 'em how it's done.
Whatever you do... don't be that annoying, nagging, whiney fiancee that can't possibly stand the thought of her man having a good time without being under her watchful eye.
Don't do it.
6. Never forget
What you are doing... and why.
You are not getting wedding-ed. You are getting married.
The wedding is only the very first day of the rest of your life.
When you get stressed out (and you will... believe me)... remember that behind all the fanciness and formalities, there is one simple, beautiful fact-
you are about to pledge the rest of your life to the one you love.
Never forget what really matters.
So... when you have guest list issues, flower mismatches, BM drama, family drama, etc... ask yourself this...
"Is this going to prevent me from saying "I do"?"
If the answer is no, then it is not worth worrying about.
You need a man, a woman, an officiant and a license....
(notice how there is no mention of flowers, fancy dress, huge guest list, harpist, 12 piece band, aisle runner, flower girl... you get the idea).
At the end of the day, you will be husband and wife... and that is what matters.
The week before...
1. Pack!!!
In my infinite wisdom, I opted to wait until... umm... about 5 minutes after I was supposed to be in the limo.... to pack my bag for the wedding night. Hubby didn't pack at all and sent me a text from the church asking if I could bring him some clothes to wear for the next day. I ran around my house like a madwoman trying to throw stuff together. Needless to say I ended up without my sexy wedding night lingere. Damn. I also forgot to pack underwear for the next day (who needs em anyway, right?), facewash (much needed that night) and a hair tie for the next day. I also wanted to bring this really cute white lace dress, just in case I wanted to change at the end of the reception or to hang out in after everything was over... fail.
I planned every aspect of all-things wedding (or so I thought) to ensure my guests had an awesome time.... what I did not plan was stuff for myself and stuff for the day after (the aftermath as I have come to call it)! We almost had to make 2 trips from the reception site back to our house (90 minute drive) because we didn't exactly think about how the heck we were going to get all of our junk (DIY stuff, presents, dress, tuxes, etc) back. We just didn't have enough room! I was not pleased with my lack of planning in this department.
I did manage to remember everything the hubby needed... figures.
If I had it to do over again I would have packed a "night of" bag like a week ahead and it would have been one less thing to worry about.
2. Delegate
This is something I am not good at- at all. I live by the old adage... "If you want it done right, do it yourself". This is a bad idea. There is so much to be done, so many phone calls to be made and so little time in the few days leading up to the wedding. I tried to tackle everything myself and was a maniac (staying up until 2am doing my own flowers... such a bad idea).
If you get to the week before and you are behind schedule, ask for help. Bribe your BMs, cousins, friends with a glass of wine and just get it done. You may have to trust your MOH or mom to field some phone calls (yes, they can tell the baker that the cake needs to be delivered by 4pm... no you don't need to do that yourself while you are getting your hair done... hand the phone over). Don't pile them with so many duties that they go nuts, but seriously... ask for help, delegate tasks and trust that your friends and close relatives will help you to make your day run smoothly.
You really don't have to do it all yourself.
In my infinite wisdom, I opted to wait until... umm... about 5 minutes after I was supposed to be in the limo.... to pack my bag for the wedding night. Hubby didn't pack at all and sent me a text from the church asking if I could bring him some clothes to wear for the next day. I ran around my house like a madwoman trying to throw stuff together. Needless to say I ended up without my sexy wedding night lingere. Damn. I also forgot to pack underwear for the next day (who needs em anyway, right?), facewash (much needed that night) and a hair tie for the next day. I also wanted to bring this really cute white lace dress, just in case I wanted to change at the end of the reception or to hang out in after everything was over... fail.
I planned every aspect of all-things wedding (or so I thought) to ensure my guests had an awesome time.... what I did not plan was stuff for myself and stuff for the day after (the aftermath as I have come to call it)! We almost had to make 2 trips from the reception site back to our house (90 minute drive) because we didn't exactly think about how the heck we were going to get all of our junk (DIY stuff, presents, dress, tuxes, etc) back. We just didn't have enough room! I was not pleased with my lack of planning in this department.
I did manage to remember everything the hubby needed... figures.
If I had it to do over again I would have packed a "night of" bag like a week ahead and it would have been one less thing to worry about.
2. Delegate
This is something I am not good at- at all. I live by the old adage... "If you want it done right, do it yourself". This is a bad idea. There is so much to be done, so many phone calls to be made and so little time in the few days leading up to the wedding. I tried to tackle everything myself and was a maniac (staying up until 2am doing my own flowers... such a bad idea).
If you get to the week before and you are behind schedule, ask for help. Bribe your BMs, cousins, friends with a glass of wine and just get it done. You may have to trust your MOH or mom to field some phone calls (yes, they can tell the baker that the cake needs to be delivered by 4pm... no you don't need to do that yourself while you are getting your hair done... hand the phone over). Don't pile them with so many duties that they go nuts, but seriously... ask for help, delegate tasks and trust that your friends and close relatives will help you to make your day run smoothly.
You really don't have to do it all yourself.
Wedding Day...
1. Eat!
For the love of all that is good and holy, EAT SOMETHING!! Take this from someone who spent 15 minutes dry heaving in the limo sitting out in front of the church because the only thing I manged to choke down that morning was 2 bites from the most god awful bran muffin I have ever met followed by a monster size iced coffee from Starbucks (note to self, Starbucks does NOT make good bran muffins. ick). Talk about wedding day jitters... I was on a ridiculous caffiene high, but nauseous as all get out because I hadn't eaten anything.
We actually ended up stopping the limo on the way to the reception so the guys could load up on beer and thankfully one of them nabbed a bag of Doritos for me. Saved the day! But really... Doritos in a wedding dress... bad idea.
Seriously though... eat. Eat in the morning, nibble on something before the ceremony, eat at your reception, and definitely enjoy your cake. You worked so hard to plan an amazing meal for your guests... enjoy it with them!! You will still fit in your dress, and half a bagel is not going to make you look fat in your pictures. So don't be ridiculous... EAT!!!
2. Something will go wrong
... something that you can't (gasp) plan for. Despite all of the checklists and countdowns and reminders, you will inevitably forget something, someone will be late, something will break, something will go wrong. It's ok. The show will go on.
I never botheered to order a cake topper. I left a bag full of random extra decor stuff that I had bought at the reception site. The cake lady got her hands on it and worked some magic. No one noticed that we didn't have a fancy $100 cake topper.
My veil flew off my head half way through the ceremony while my MOH was trying to fluff my dress. I actually thought it was hilarious and it is one of my favorite memories from the ceremony. When I asked some of the guests about it (I wanted to see if anyone got a picture of MOH's face... priceless)... they didn't even notice that it happened.
We took dance lessons for 2 months and when we started dancing I realized that I had never tried to dance in a dress with a train... it was not happenng. We had to skip all of our fancy moves (husband was pissed. "I had to take those stupid dance lessons for nothing") and revert to the good old seventh grade shuffle. No one knew the difference.
I could go on for a while with all the "oops" moments throughout the day, but just know that you will have your own... and they will turn into hilarious stories to share Those are the things that make me laugh... the things I really remember about the day, because the rest was a blur.
It's frustrating to think that after months and months of planning, your big day will still not be "perfect"... but it is the little quirks and oddities that make it truly unique and special.
3. Spend time with your husband
It's your wedding day, right? This sounds like a no-brainer. But seriously... you wouldn't believe how fast the day goes.
Our priest actually had us stop- in the middle of the ceremony- and just look into each others eyes. He told us to soak it all in... and I am so so thankful that he did this, because otherwise I don't know that I would have remembered the ceremony.
During the reception I made it a point to snag my new husband and hide in a corner of the terrace for a few minutes. It was really the first time that day that we got to enjoy a moment alone. We sat back and snuggled and laughed at our crazy family on the dance floor and shared a few kisses before rejoining the party. If we didn't basically force ourselves to stop dancing for a few and break away from the crowd, the whole night would have just whizzed right by. It was really great to step back and take it all in.
Finally, we decided to do a last dance. We had the DJ announce the "last dance" and play a slow song... everyone danced. Then he asked everyone to exit the dance floor and called Kevin and I back up to end the night the same way we started it... with a bride and groom dance. He played "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw and we enjoyed the last few minutes of our reception in each other's arms. It was the most perfect way I could ever imagine to end the evening. I definitely recommend this to any bride! What a bittersweet moment... so beautiful.
For the love of all that is good and holy, EAT SOMETHING!! Take this from someone who spent 15 minutes dry heaving in the limo sitting out in front of the church because the only thing I manged to choke down that morning was 2 bites from the most god awful bran muffin I have ever met followed by a monster size iced coffee from Starbucks (note to self, Starbucks does NOT make good bran muffins. ick). Talk about wedding day jitters... I was on a ridiculous caffiene high, but nauseous as all get out because I hadn't eaten anything.
We actually ended up stopping the limo on the way to the reception so the guys could load up on beer and thankfully one of them nabbed a bag of Doritos for me. Saved the day! But really... Doritos in a wedding dress... bad idea.
Seriously though... eat. Eat in the morning, nibble on something before the ceremony, eat at your reception, and definitely enjoy your cake. You worked so hard to plan an amazing meal for your guests... enjoy it with them!! You will still fit in your dress, and half a bagel is not going to make you look fat in your pictures. So don't be ridiculous... EAT!!!
2. Something will go wrong
... something that you can't (gasp) plan for. Despite all of the checklists and countdowns and reminders, you will inevitably forget something, someone will be late, something will break, something will go wrong. It's ok. The show will go on.
I never botheered to order a cake topper. I left a bag full of random extra decor stuff that I had bought at the reception site. The cake lady got her hands on it and worked some magic. No one noticed that we didn't have a fancy $100 cake topper.
My veil flew off my head half way through the ceremony while my MOH was trying to fluff my dress. I actually thought it was hilarious and it is one of my favorite memories from the ceremony. When I asked some of the guests about it (I wanted to see if anyone got a picture of MOH's face... priceless)... they didn't even notice that it happened.
We took dance lessons for 2 months and when we started dancing I realized that I had never tried to dance in a dress with a train... it was not happenng. We had to skip all of our fancy moves (husband was pissed. "I had to take those stupid dance lessons for nothing") and revert to the good old seventh grade shuffle. No one knew the difference.
I could go on for a while with all the "oops" moments throughout the day, but just know that you will have your own... and they will turn into hilarious stories to share Those are the things that make me laugh... the things I really remember about the day, because the rest was a blur.
It's frustrating to think that after months and months of planning, your big day will still not be "perfect"... but it is the little quirks and oddities that make it truly unique and special.
3. Spend time with your husband
It's your wedding day, right? This sounds like a no-brainer. But seriously... you wouldn't believe how fast the day goes.
Our priest actually had us stop- in the middle of the ceremony- and just look into each others eyes. He told us to soak it all in... and I am so so thankful that he did this, because otherwise I don't know that I would have remembered the ceremony.
During the reception I made it a point to snag my new husband and hide in a corner of the terrace for a few minutes. It was really the first time that day that we got to enjoy a moment alone. We sat back and snuggled and laughed at our crazy family on the dance floor and shared a few kisses before rejoining the party. If we didn't basically force ourselves to stop dancing for a few and break away from the crowd, the whole night would have just whizzed right by. It was really great to step back and take it all in.
Finally, we decided to do a last dance. We had the DJ announce the "last dance" and play a slow song... everyone danced. Then he asked everyone to exit the dance floor and called Kevin and I back up to end the night the same way we started it... with a bride and groom dance. He played "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw and we enjoyed the last few minutes of our reception in each other's arms. It was the most perfect way I could ever imagine to end the evening. I definitely recommend this to any bride! What a bittersweet moment... so beautiful.